No Matter What Scars
by The Eezoman
Summary: Epic song, epic people, what's not to like? A very merry parody. READ IT. NOW. Rated M because I'm too lazy to care.
1. Chapter 1

_I'm back! I know I was supposed to upload a new chapter for Subject 23, but between travel, Spring Break, and a project with Made Nightwing, not to mention lack of internet, I haven't even really started the new chapter. Sorry. I would recommend anyone with a brain to go check out Nightwing's profile for the story _What would Happen?_ I had the idea, but we connected dialogue. Shepard's part is voiced by me, with Nightwing doing the rest. It's freaking hilarious. GO TO IT. NOW._

_I'm still on break, so yeah. Fun._

_Ok, well I wrote this because I love a song. I thought, Hey. I should make a parody based on this song. Yeah! I recommend checking out the song, or else it wouldn't make much sense. here are the instructions for getting to the song._

IMPORTANT! (This is necessary for the story to be understood)

_INSTRUCTIONS: Go to You-tube, type in Commander Shepard Music Video. It's done by MandaloreMovies. IT'S BEYOND AWESOME._

_Enjoy!_

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* * *

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-_OH GOD WHY. WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN?-_

Shepard ran as fast as he could, whipping past the storefronts. When he passed groups of people, they stared. It wasn't often they saw Commander Shepard, savior of the galaxy, running along the stretch of the Presidium, a Turian and Quarian right behind him.

"Tali! You have to calm him down! He can't run from it!"

"I know, damn it! Shepard! We can protect you!"

He turned to look back at them, meeting Tali's eyes.

"You can't! Once it starts back up again, no one can stop them!"

Garrus was getting tired of this. Adding a burst of energy to his sprint, he leaped forward, diving towards Shepard. Without intention, an animalistic cry rose from his mandibles, heralding to the times of his ancestors.

"GRAAAAAIEEEEEE!"

Before he could reach the Commander, the first thing to pop into his target's mind was:

-_What the hell is that? It sounds like Tali when we fu—_"

Shepard felt a large thump on his back, meriting a similar cry of surprise. The two of them landed on the cold metal ground with loud clatters of armor. Tali slowed from a run to a walk, and approached the battling soldiers. It was a quick and decisive battle, ending with Shepard in a rather painful looking headlock, while Garrus kept him hunched over to prevent running.

Tali kneeled before her boyfriend, wiping hair out of his face. Glancing up at her, he grinned that special grin, and she had to fight herself to not start fumbling with his hands.

"Now. What is wrong with you?"

Garrus, sensing calm within his prey, released Shepard. They all stood, hoping for an explanation.

"I told you. The music. It's everywhere."

Tali sighed, bringing a gloved hand to her helmet.

"Let me get this straight. You think that music plays whenever you set foot on the Citadel, which causes large crowds of females to suddenly become ravenous for your—"

She used air quotes.

"Disco-stick"

Garrus coughed, hoping it blocked his chuckle. It didn't.

"And to prevent this, you have to run desperately?"

Shepard nodded through the entire questioning.

"Absolutely. It's crazy! It starts playing, and all of the sudden, I'm a fucking piece of meat. Last time I was here, I had to literally cut myself out of a nest of female Hanar."

He turned to Garrus, hoping to address the horrified Turian.

"Relax. Their tentacles grew back."

This irked Tali by this. Could it be that Shepard just wanted to be single again?

"Shepard, I understand if you want to break up. I figured the pressure of dating a Quarian would get to you. I mean, the first time I saw my own—"

"WHAT?"

The couple turned to the startled Turian, who was doing the best blanching impression he could achieve.

Shepard dismissed his friend for the time being. He needed to make his girl feel loved. Approaching her, he dropped to his knees.

"Hey. You're the only one for me. Don't even ask me that question."

Standing, he embraced her romantically. Without hesitation, Tali burst into tears. Hugging him powerfully, they both stood wrapped together. Garrus stood nearby, still wondering what Tali had been talking about earlier.

Everything was completely silent.

Then he heard it.

The fast paced beat, calming, but alternating between tones. Then, the lyrics.

_From Omega to Mars, from the council to the seediest bars._

"Oh no…please God no…"

Tali perked her head up from his shoulder.

"What…what is that sound?"

_From the reaches of space, to the pillars of Asari grace_.

He turned to Garrus.

"We have to go. NOW."

The three of them ran, hoping to get to a safe location before something drastic happened. Song lyrics blasted over the station radio, and people all around them started to shake their heads and nod, indicating they liked the music.

_Turians a-bragging 'bout their reach and flexibility_.

Garrus nearly stopped running. Turning to Shepard, who was busy shaking his head rapidly.

"You told th—"

"No! I would never!"

"How do th—"

"I don't know!"

"DAMN IT, I ONLY HAVE REACH!"

All of them turned a corner, hoping to find a place to hide.

What they saw horrified them so strongly, Turians three generations from now would still get shivers from stepping foot on the Citadel.

An entire Commander Shepard Fan Club fair was being held, and almost all of the occupants were females. One of them turned, her blonde hair covered by an N7 cap. Spotting the three squad mates, her eyes glanced over Shepard's N7 armor patch.

"OH. MY. GOD."

Everyone stopped what they were doing, focusing on where the blonde girl was pointing. A collective gasp was heard, followed by silence. The music continued.

_But no matter what scars you bear, whatever uniform you wear…_

_You could fight like a Krogan, run like a leapard but you'll never be better than Commander Shepard._

The only sound was the music, which continued to play its rocking beat.

Grins started to appear on the fans faces, which only increased the terror the three friends felt. The lull in volume was shattered however, when a acne riddled teenager burst from the crowd of girls. He fell to his knees, and screamed loudly.

"TALI! I LOOOOOVE YOOOOOU!"

It was safe to say that everyone in the room was completely stunned, but Tali's response cured any doubt.

"Art, I TOLD you. Not in this fanfic…"

Surprised at her answer, the person known as Art winked out of existence.

Meanwhile, the girls recovered from the shock. The blonde screamed out to the squad.

"GET THEM!"

Shepard turned to his friends. Countless missions with them negated the need for communication. Tali and Garrus could read their Commander better than anyone. What he planned to say was unnecessary.

That doesn't mean he didn't say it.

"Run."

* * *

"I love you, 23."

"I love you too Lia."

"…Don't you mean Lyla?"

23 froze. How could he forget the name of the girl he loved?

"Oh right…The author is a fucking moron. That's how."

_**Excuse me? Don't question my authority, ice cube.**_

He jumped from his seat at the restaurant, while Lyla just rested her head on her hand. This was going to take a while.

"you heard me, dumbass. Honestly, I'm a little annoyed at how you wrote me during the first part of my story. What's with all these random little cameos, anyways? You keep this up, heads will roll."

_**Huh…good point. But guess what. I don't give a flying fuck. Also, your outfit is now a pink bunny suit. I TOLD you what would happen if you talked back to me.**_

23 glanced down, finding a pink bunny suit covering his chest.

"FUCK! FINE. Now that you're done making Lyla a furry lover, you might want to get back to your plot for this story."

Suddenly, 23 spotted three familiar people tear across the open Presidium space, while what looked like a flood of females garbled in Alliance memorabilia. They were gaining on a Turian, and it didn't look like friendly territory.

"Run Garrus, Run!"

Shepard looked back, hoping to pull his friend further away from the danger. Instead, he watched as the Turian was grabbed by a girl with a "I LOVE THANE" shirt. His screams betrayed his normally calm demeanor, and shocked the Commander to no end.

"Leave me! SAVE YOURSELF!"

A group of fangirls peeled off, joining in surrounding the downed Turian.

"Show us your reach!"

"I can flex. Watch!"

"Screw the puns, TAKE ME NOW, VAKARIAN!"

Shepard felt a tear slide down his cheek. His friend would be missed.

"SHEPARD! AAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"C'mon! We have to move!"

Tali gripped Shepard's hand, pulling him further. They continued onwards, together. They would survive this flood of rabid women. Tali was sure of it.

* * *

_Yes. I did include my SI. Yes, I did include a cameo from Mass Vexations 2. No, this was not a slam on the story. (I like Herr Wozzeck. His work is very well written) No, he didn't know about this. No, he probably won't notice it._

_Review and tell me if you want another chapter. CHEERS!_


	2. Welcome To The Extranet

_HOWDY. I've figured out that this is going to be a new parody story, featuring maybe oneshots or just a few silly plot devices that I'll work on when I'm bored._

_The idea for this type of writing, and overall plot for this chapter is credited to HBHound, who let me know how funny something like this could be. I like to think I've proven him right._

_Hound is currently working on a picture of 23 for me, and the beginning scraps can be found at his Deviant Art profile. You have to remember that it's just the beginning, so I don't think it looks quite how I pictured 23. I do appreciate Hound working so hard on it though._

_Anyways, I hope you enjoy this little shot._

* * *

**WELCOME TO EXTRANET CHAT BETA 0.323.67**

**Council-haterN7 HAS JOINED CHAT**

**TurianWithReach HAS JOINED CHAT**

COUNCIL: Garrus. Garrus is that you?

TURIAN: SHEPARD HELP. I DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME

COUNCIL: What's wrong? Where are you?

TURIAN: GIRLS TOOK ME. I DON'T KNOW WHERE I AM BUT THEY MIGHT COME BACK SOON

COUNCIL: Hold on man. I can't save you until the song ends.

**Cerberusgrrl#1 HAS JOINED CHAT**

COUNCIL: ^Who is that?

CERBERUS: Commander, you need to get back to the Normandy immediately.

COUNCIL: What, why? Who are you?

CERBERUS: It's Miranda. We have fan-girls swarming over the ship. They're getting close to breaking in. So far they've captured Joker. We don't know where he's being held.

COUNCIL: What? How did he get captured?

CERBERUS: Apparently they lured him out. Something to do with meeting the "Jazz Trio". It's a popular space band he listens to.

COUNCIL: Oh thank god. I thought I was to blame.

CERBERUS: Well, they ARE planning to test his flexibility if you don't get here soon. With his condition though, he'll more likely snap then bend.

COUNCIL: Damn my sexiness. I swear, maybe I should just go slice my face up even more. That'll teach those vixens a lesson.

CERBERUS: I don't think so Commander. Our data shows that the percentage of girls attracted to you doubles with every scar.

TURIAN: SOMEONE HELP ME I CAN HEAR THEM CHANTING MY NAME BRB

COUNCIL: Oh damn. I forgot about you.

**BeneathTheMask^.^ HAS JOINED CHAT**

BENEATH: John? What are you doing?

COUNCIL: Sorry love. Had to check on something.

BENEATH: That's fine, but can we at least get out of this dumpster? And why do we need to communicate with chat? We're literally right next to each other.

COUNCIL: That's a risk I can't take. The damn song is still playing.

CERBERUS: Shepard, this is serious. If we don't do something, Joker will die. He can't survive the furious humping the girls are putting him through.

TURIAN: BACK. I JUST SAW THEM PUTTING OUT STRAPS AND CHAINS. SOMEONE HELP ME PLEASE.

BENEATH: Garrus? What happened? Are you ok?

TURIAN: THEY SMOTHERED ME WITH THOSE FLESHY SACKS ON THEIR CHEST THEN DRAGGED ME INTO THIS DARK PLACE. WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS? OH GOD I HAVE TO GO

BENEATH: John, we need to help him.

COUNCIL: Everyone just give me a minute! I can't save both of them at once.

**Ice_Cube23 HAS JOINED CHAT**

ICE: Wait! Don't conform to the authors plot!

COUNCIL: Who the fuck are you?

TURIAN: DAMMIT SHEPARD SAVE ME

COUNCIL: SORRY! Give me a second!

ICE: Listen Shepard, you can beat this! Just fight the power. Don't play the writer's game!

CERBERUS: Commander, this Ice Cube fellow seems a bit lost. I recommend kicking him from the chat.

ICE: Shut up Miranda.

CERBERUS: Excuse me?

ICE: Er… Sorry. Old habit.

BENEATH: Shepard, stop hyperventilating. We'll figure something out.

COUNCIL: I'm not hyperventilating. I'm trying not to pass out from the smell.

TURIAN: Who left this chat window open? I must have opened something on accident. Got to go people, I've got a big date with a sexy Turian. Ciao!

**TurianWithReach HAS LEFT CHAT**

COUNCIL: Oh…Oh my god.

BENEATH: You don't think….

COUNCIL: We have to save him. NOW.

CERBERUS: Commander! You NEED to get back to the Normandy. Joker might be dead already. Forget Garrus.

COUNCIL: I can't! Just because he rejected you doesn't mean he deserves this fate.

CERBERUS: I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO NEVER BRING THAT UP.

ICE: Garrus rejected her? What fucked up universe is THIS? The author couldn't even come up with a good plot! Chances are he's just writing whatever he fucking wants!

**Ice_Cube23 has changed his name to LOVESFURRY**

LOVES: FUCK

LOVES: I LIKE BUTTS LOL

LOVES: THAT'S NOT ME!

**Duncanloves_N7 HAS JOINED CHAT**

DUNCAN: SHEPARD I LOVE YOU

BENEATH: John, who is this?

COUNCIL: I have no idea.

DUNCAN: If you want your pilot back with his bones untouched, you are to remove every article of clothing and report to the outside of the Normandy.

BENEATH: OVER MY GERM RIDDLED DEAD BODY.

DUNCAN: THAT'S THE IDEA BITCH.

CERBERUS: Wait just a minute. How do we know he's still alive?

DUNCAN: Here. I'll put him on for a second.

COUNCIL: Joker. Is that you?

DUNCAN: Captain whatever you do don't save me. PLEASE.

COUNCIL: What are you talking about?

DUNCAN: these girls want me. I haven't gotten laid in FOREVER. Damn it Shepard, I'll break my own neck if you come anywhere near the ship. I don't care if I break a bone.

CERBERUS: Mr. Moreau, you can't survive—

DUNCAN: I WILL BREAK MY OWN NECK.

LOVES: Shepard, you know what to do now. Go save Garrus.

COUNCIL: I will. Tali, you stay here. I don't want you getting hurt.

BENEATH: There is no way that I'm letting you take on a cult of girls devoted to raping you alone.

COUNCIL: But…But…

BENEATH: Miranda, can you send ANYONE to go help him?

CERBERUS: We've already lost Thane and Jacob. They tried to sneak around and save Joker, but got jumped.

DUNCAN: They got jumped alright.

CERBERUS: I'm not sending Jack out there.

COUNCIL: Why not? You hate Jack.

CERBERUS: I don't really. We have a lot to learn from each other. I feel like a friendship would be beneficial

**FUCKED_THE_CHEERLEADER#0 HAS JOINED CHAT**

FUCKED: I FUCKED THE CHEERLEADER.

COUNCIL: ….Miranda?

CERBERUS: I DON'T KNOW WHAT CAME OVER ME.

LOVES: I Told you. It's the author! He's the reason this is all happening!

**LOVESFURRY has changed his name to DISTENDED_ANUS**

DISTENDED: I am going to kill you. I am going to kill you with the weapon you wrote in for me.

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_This was a lot of fun to write. When I'm bored, I'll write another section finishing this up. Hope you enjoyed it and please. LEAVE A REVIEW._


	3. OC's and POV's

_This was fun to write, but it got a little uncomfortable at the end. I think I know how Garrus feels now._

_Nothing major here folks, just another little parody to tide you over until the next chapter of Cryonics. BY THE WAY, I've done a picture of what 23 looks like (It's just a starter. Nothing perfect or groundbreaking) that you should go check out on DA. (I think you guys know what that stands for) If you want to see it, check under my profile TheEezoman. As always, please. Leave a review. Seriously. I thrive on what you guys think._

* * *

"And ANOTHER reason you're a Gary Stu is because you have brown eyes. I mean, REALLY. Who has brown eyes in this universe? Hmmmm? That's what I thought. God, I don't understand how you can possibly just walk around like that. You are such a disgrace!"

23 raised an eyebrow at the teen in front of him. It was obvious that she was bothered by him. He couldn't understand why though.

"Uh, lady? Is something wrong?"

His eyes narrowed.

"Do I know you?"

The girl in front of him tossed back her hair, giving a small hmph and pointing her noise into the air, creating a sense of arrogance felt by everyone in the nearby vicinity.

"You SHOULD. I'm just the most well known science fiction author on the Citadel. Katie-Lynn Decroux! I'm FAMOUS!"

23 coughed hard, attempting to hold back the small laugh in his throat.

"Right…Well if you'll excuse me, I've got to go help my friend co-"

"LEAVE MIRANDA ALONE! JUST LEAVE HER ALONE!"

23 whipped around, fixing his eyes on the new distraction. It came in the form of a disheveled looking pre-teen. His eyes were red, and it was apparent that he had been crying.

"Uh…I'm sorry?"

"SHE WORKS SO HARD FOR ALL OF YOU, AND YOU JUST TEAR HER DOWN. LEAVE MIRANDA ALOOOOOONE!"

The assassin couldn't even begin to think of a response. All he could do was stand there as the two teenagers berated him over his life.

"You are vapid! ABSOLUTELY VAPID! I swear, you should go die in a hole! YOU DO NOTHING AS PRODUCTIVE AS I DO!"

"WHYYY! JUST LEAVE HER ALONE! SHE'S AMAZING AND YOU ARE MEAN TO HER!"

All 23 could do was stand there, eyes wide with shock. A glimpse of movement caught his attention. Turning, he saw a black-haired male carrying what appeared to be a female Quarian over his shoulder. 23 caught his attention, hoping for assistance.

"Hey. HEY!"

The guy turned, waving as if he recognized him.

"Hello 23. You need something?"

The ice-coated soldier pointed at the red-faced people beside him, who had failed to notice his lack of attention.

"What the hell is this?"

The man merely shrugged.

"They don't like your story. My advice, just deal with them as you would normally."

The whistling sound of a blade cut off any further protests the teenagers could utter, leaving them dead on the ground.

"Damn. Wait a minute…Where are YOUR haters?"

The black-haired man shrugged once more.

"I don't think enough people have read my story to care. Bye."

23 waved goodbye to his fellow OC, turning his attention back to his mission. Walking down the street further, he noticed a large sign painted in red.

"I think this might point me in the right direction."

Checking his watch (Obviously made out of ice) the time read 2:28.

"I don't have much time."

He walked past the _**GARRUS VAKARIAN RAPE PLANNED AT 2:30 ALL FEMALE FANS WELCOME**_ sign and made his way into the den.

"Shepard, if you can hear me, you better hurry."

The corridor shifted, and turned down a dark stairwell.

* * *

Tali and Shepard walked into another nexus, with doors leading into various rooms. At this point, the commander dropped to his knees, cursing the sky.

"WHY ARE THERE SO MANY LOCKED DOORS AND NOTHING BEHIND THEM!"

Tali turned, leaning next to him.

"Shepard, it's alright. We'll find Garrus."

He lowered his head to the ground, muttering something barely audible.

"Why….Why would the game developers replace omni-gel with minigames. I WANT MY OMNI-GEL!"

After some coercing on Tali's part, and the promise of sexy time after the mission, they continued on their mission.

"I'm just wondering, Tali. If you had to sleep with any other female on the Normandy, which one would it be?"

"Shepard, I'm not into that! Or at least, not anymore."

Tali walked past the stunned N7, who had apparently just sprung a large nosebleed.

Carefully avoiding a large group of patrolling females, They made their way into the secret dungeon.

* * *

"DO IT!"

"By the Gods, NO."

Duncan charged the shotgun, pointing it into Thane's back. The Drell glared forward, locking eyes with the trapped man. It was obvious that Garrus was terrified, and the large crowd of girls surrounding the platform they stood on only increased his terror.

"Either you do it, or the pilot dies."

The specialists turned, and their eyes fell on Joker, who was being tied to a wooden platform suspended over a large bucket of lava. An assistant removed his gag, and he yelled out his displeasure at this course of action.

"I thought you girls wanted me! I'm not some tool to use for bargaining!"

The assistant next to him muttered into his ear.

"You help us with this, and I'll use your tool for some "bargaining". "

Joker grinned widely.

"DO IT THANE!"

The assassin brought his hand to his face, embarrassed by his friend.

"Regardless of what Joker says, I'm not partaking in this. I am in a relationship!"

"I'm here too Thane!"

Thane turned, finding Kelly in the large audience.

"I can't believe you, Siha!"

"Just shut up and say the line!"

Giving up, Thane swallowed his pride, turning to Garrus who was obviously still in panic mode.

"Er…Vakarian…I've got a package for you. It's in this box."

Thane held the small circular box into the air, emphasizing the point. He knew where this was going, and he'd rather go through each assassination contract AGAIN to avoid this.

The phrase was completely monotone, yet the girls giggling sounded like a chorus.

"Now you, Gar-gar. Say your part."

Garrus's gag was released, and he screamed at the lead girl.

"THAT PET NAME IS DISGUSTING AND YOU CAN GO TO HELL!"

Duncan giggled, and repeated her desire. Somewhere in the back of Garrus's mind, he was desperately trying to figure out a plan before things got any worse.

-_Shepard…HELP ME!"_


End file.
